Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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