Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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