My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
