She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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