My friends, they love my intelligence
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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