Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"