New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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