I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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