so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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