Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
