You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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