theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
