Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
