Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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