I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
