I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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