I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
