69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
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I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
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Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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