I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
