the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
