tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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