Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
