I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
