Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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