I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
