what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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