what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
