Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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