Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
