On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
