i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
