I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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