If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
