He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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