I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
