he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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