god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
