apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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