I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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