I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.