Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.