Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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