just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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