fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
