my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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