and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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