I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
