I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
