I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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