guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
