girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......