I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered