I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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