We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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