I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He better not be in your backpack
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
