good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
