Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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