Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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