Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.