one two three fourrrrnication!
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me