I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
