i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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