I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
