I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
