Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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