the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
